Good morning — rough weekend! Cheer up with the news of the week (not really).
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Good morning, it’s June 23, 2025 and you’re listening to the Monday Minute!
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Welcome, everybody, as always this is your host Jon Pejo here to inform you of the breaking headlines of the week – before they’ve even happened!
Now, there has been a lot going on in the world the past couple days, and I would be remiss to simply pass over it. So, without getting too much into the weeds, I want to say this one thing to make sure my position on the issue is absolutely clear: in accordance with the Constitution, and with ZERO exceptions, should a sitting U.S. President be able to wear such a dumb fucking hat in the Situation Room.
College sweatshirt in the middle of the night? Fine. No necktie, top button unbuttoned? Fine. But your own lardass, five-head, I-Don’t-Know-How-To-Wipe-My-Own-Ass snapback? Fuck right off. How tacky.
If you’re gonna start a war – dress the part, bitch.
With that out of the way, let’s get on with the political news of the week. Right off the bat, there is some hope regarding the situation in the Middle East. Later this week, members of both parties will join together and declare, unequivocally, to the American public that there is no war in Ba Sing Se.
In pop culture, the king of glizzy gobbling, Joey Chestnut, will return for this year’s July 4th Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, after being banned in 2024 for entering a deal with a plant-based meat company. I want you to take a wild guess how he convinced Nathan’s to let him back in. That’s right: good lawyers.
In sports, the Pacers have lost the NBA Finals to the Thunder, for many reasons including the loss of Tyrese Halliburton in the first half. In other words, due to a power player vacuum caused by the collapse of the Haliban right at the Halfghanistan, the Thunder was able to carry out an aggressive regime change.
Now for this week’s weather, it’s…Diego Luna!
DIEGO LUNA: Hello, hello! Thank you, very much, Jon. Ehhhh, let’s see the weather this week, man it’s going to be abysmal! There’s a heat wace coming up all through the States, and it’s going to be fucking hot, man. I mean, seriously, you are going to be sweating your balls off, man. Everywhere, everywhere – it’s going to be at least one hundred degrees! So you have to keep hydrated. Drink water, drink Gatorade, carry around ehhh big bucket of ice with you! I don’t want, uhh, anyone to be passing out out there, alright? So stay safe, stay cool, and watch Andor on Disney+. Thank you.
Diego, thank you. And, as always, to round out the Minute, it’s your weekly horoscope presented by: Tom from Succession!
TOM: Okay, okay, thank you! First things first, what is going on with Iran? Greg did not tell me about this, but I know that fucking Shiv is probably all over it and didn’t let me know. Well, anyways, I’m here to do the horoscope. To tell you about all the astrological fuckery swirling through the air like a Cinnamon Toast Crunch throughout the week. So, so, so let’s start with this: if you’re a Gemini – time’s up. Okay, you’re done. It’s Cancer season now you six-toed ape. And that means that all water signs are in for some real good fucking shit this month. And that’s a fuckin’ Wambsgans promise, alright? I swear on it like I swear on the fact that I swallowed my own load at my bachelor party. So, the rest of you signs – fire, earth, air – you can fuck off. As far as I’m concerned, hahaha, it’s water time. Whooooooosh!
And that’s all for this week’s Monday Minute. See you next week for next week’s news now next week!
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