Time for the Monday Minute with the best English accent I could pull off!
TRANSCRIPT BELOW:
Good morning. Today is 2nd June, 2025, and you’re listening to the Monday Minute – British Broadcasting Edition.
[INTRO MUSIC]
I am your host, Jon Pejo – here to prepare you for the week ahead with the most accurate predictions of the breaking news to come.
Though this broadcast is being delivered in BBC Radio One format, I will only be covering American news because I can’t be bothered to find out what’s going on with our cross-eyed across the pond. That insult actually goes both ways.
In any case, this week in American political news, the exit of Tesla billionaire Elon Musk from the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE, has given way to a new, equally effective leader in expediting internal processes: a big bowl of oatmeal.
Next, in American culture, Sinners actress Hailee Steinfeld has officially, as they say, “tied the knot” with Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
In U.S. sports, the Indianapolis Pacers have beat off the New York Knickerbockers in the National Basketball Association’s Eastern Conference Finals. In response, Timothee Chalamet, the Lisan Al-Gaib, will declare holy war this Friday.
Now, for this week’s weather report, I introduce the American Intern Who Really Has to Go to the Bathroom.
AMERICAN INTERN: Hey, uhh, thanks, uhh – so let’s see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ummm, okay, okay, I got this. So, ahhhhhh, Monday, Monday, Monday – it’s sunny! Nice. Nice and sunny and DRY and not a errrrrr, drop *cough* of ANYTHING in sight. Same with Tuesday, nice. Same with Wednesday, nice – ahahhhhhhh! SHIT. Thursday, though, oof – starts with a mmmmm drizzle. Light rain, though, light rain. But, oh no, then it’s gonna rain some more and some more and then massive SHOWERS by Thursday night into Friday morning and, why are they making me say this! There’s gonna be so much rain it’ll be like the roads are rivers and every roof will be dribbling AHHHHH….ahhhh, dribbling. Wheeeewwwwwww, man. And yup, yeah, whatever Saturdays looks great again. Any you guys got a towel?
JON PEJO: Thank you and no. Now, as per usual, we will end this week’s report with your weekly horoscope and – oh my, what a treat – here’s your star reading from a savage of the North: a Scottish poet.
SCOTTISH POET: Thank you, you fruity English prick. Ahem, I read now an old Scottish verse, said to be sung at the beginning of June to manifest the bounty of the summer ahead: When the first fine flowers of April bloomed / the May that came with rain was doomed / But the rain in May meant coming soon / Was the cold sun and breeze of summer June / And like to like the seasons and stars / Aligned their moves like chicks in bars / So good is good in one and both / For Gemini, Cancer, and Pisces blokes / And for all the others, things will be fine / If you double up on chugging wine / So my friends who read the lights / That twinkle high on summer nights / Enjoy the warmth and heated beds / Because come winter, you’ll wish you sweat!
JON PEJO: That…was actually quite beautiful…for a Scot. In any case, that’s all for this week’s Monday Minute – see you next week for next week’s news now next week.
[OUTRO MUSIC]
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