Good morning — here comes your Monday Minute! Listen now for the latest news to not happen!
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Good morning! Today is June 30, 2025 – and you’re listening to the Monday Minute!
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As always, this is your host Jon Pejo – here with the latest on the breaking news of the week that hasn’t even happened yet!
So, without further ado, let’s jump right in with this week in politics! New York City mayoral hopeful, Zohran Mamdani, has caused political shockwaves with his unprecedented victory in the city’s Democratic primary. And, in a show of unity, his fellow Democrats were the first to report him to Homeland Security.
In pop culture, Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez have tied the knot in an opulent, celebrity-filled wedding celebration overrunning the city on stilts, Venice, Italy. Reports say the happy couple was sent off with an ancient Italian blessing for newlyweds as crowds of Venetians shouted “vaffanculo!” at the Amazon CEO and his new boo.
In the world of sports, Shohei Ohtani has set a new personal best, pitching at a whopping 101.7 mph. Coincidentally, that’s the exact speed at which I shit myself when I forget to do something my mom asked me to do.
And now for the weather forecast with this week’s guest correspondent: A Man Who Knows Too Much.
KNOWS TOO MUCH: Hey, heyheyhey, thanks. You sure you weren’t followed? Haha! Kidding! I’m kidding. Why would anyone follow you? Even weirder – why would anyone follow you to get to me? Haha! So weird. Anyway…weather? What? Weather?! Who said anything about the weather?! Oh…that weather. Not the other weather. Well, so, yeah it’s gonna rain at exactly 3:01 p.m. Eastern for the next three days for 37 minutes. How do I know that? How do you NOT know that? I mean, it’s pretty common knowledge right – you just open up your phone, dohdohdoh, and open up the app, dohdohdoh, and, bingbongboom, there’s your rain! Oh, I see…it says it’s gonna be sunny. Chance of rain. No time range at all. Well, you didn’t hear it from me, alright? If you squeal, I’ll kill you, you son of a bitch!
Thanks for that, Man Who Knows Too Much – and now, to round out the Monday Minute, it’s the weekly horoscope foretold by a Fifties Newspaper Boy.
PAPER BOY: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! New moon in Cancer brings lots of luck to folks with Water signs in their charts! But, be careful, says Senator McCarthy: if you’re an Aries or a Capricorn or a Leo or an Aquarium, don’t get too hokey-pokey, because you might end up with scorpions in your pancakes, ya see! Hey, mister! Why don’t you buy a copy? It’s only a nickel! That way you can keep up on the times all the way till lunch! Awwww, c’mon mister – if I don’t bring back at least a dollar, I won’t get any milk money for this week! I’m no common scamp, mister, trust me! Ayyyy, that’s a sport, thanks-a-plenty, mister – hope you’re a Water sign and Old Man Moon grants you a little luck this week! Boy, oh, boy – he gave me a whole quarter! Maybe I’ll be able to bring mom to the movies before she dies of tuberculosis. Yipeeeee!
And that’s all for this week’s Monday Minute – see you next week for next week’s news now next week.
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