Monday Minute, Monday Minute, Monday Minute! Whoo!
TRANSCRIPT BELOW:
Good morning – it’s June 9, 2025 and you’re listening to the Monday Minute.
[INTRO MUSIC]
As always, this is your host, Jon Pejo, giving you the latest on the news of the week to come. That is: news that hasn’t happened yet but probably could in this day and age. So, without further delay, let’s get started!
This week in politics, to quote AOC, “the girls are fighting!” The meltdown breakup between Elon Musk and Donald Trump, including a “bombshell” Epstein accusation, has rippled through the incel community. Sources say Trump will bite back later this week with the announcement that, “Elon, well – let’s just say he doesn’t have the biggest Cybertruck. Love the guy, respect the guy, but he’s fat and, you know, it shows down there, really, it shows.”
Now, in pop culture this week, Sabrina Carpenter’s “Manchild” is storming the charts. In response, her ex, actor Barry Keoghan said, “I wasn’t sure if a girl like her could make a song like that about a guy like me, but I spose a guy like me could end up in a song like that from a girl like her, so I think.”
In sports, Coco Gauff has won the French Open and Paris will be aflame by the end of the week!
And now for this week’s weather report, we have guest correspondent former President Bill Clinton!
BILL CLINTON: Jon, man, it’s great to hear from you. And I mean, seriously. You are my main news guy, man. Well, anyway, I’m really glad you invited me out here to your studio in your childhood bedroom to give the latest on this week’s weather. Now, I’m gonna keep it simple, ladies and gentlemen, summer is in full swing. Doesn’t matter if you’re back in my home state of Arkansas, or my other home in upstate New York, or my bachelor’s getaway for the last 60 years hidden under what is now the Blue Bottle in Georgetown – summer is here folks, all across the United States. And you know it, not just ‘cause the sun’s out and burning, not just ‘cause there’s that fire in the air (literally), but most of all because butts are out, my fellow Americans. I’m talking about guy butts as well as girl butts, male and female butts as much as non-binary butts. I’m talking about butts of all races, butts from across the world, butts born right here in the U.S.A. My fellow Americans, the season of butts is here. And, baby, trust me, I know, because this issue has been my top priority since I hit puberty at 12. So, in this time of turbulence and strife, as we step from winter into a summer full of energy and life, as we retake the reins of our destiny, recharged in the sun, to defend the very foundations of our fragile democracy – remember to keep your hearts open…and your cheeks out for ol’ Slick Willy. God bless you, and may God bless America!
JON PEJO: Thank you, President Clinton…I think. And now, to wrap up our show this week, it’s the weekly horoscope presented by an impression that will be lost on so many…the inimitable Johnny Carson.
[CARSON TONIGHT SHOW THEME]
CARSON: Thank you, Jon. Thank you. You know, I’m usually not up this early. Your mother usually wakes me up after 10. (ED McMAHON “Hey-OOOOO”) I’m told you can’t see me right now, but I just did the little signature golf swing. I know I’m only here for the horoscope, but I’d be remiss not to say a few words on your political predicament. You know when I was alive, if you told me Donald Trump was going through a messy public divorce…well, I’d believe you. But all this stuff with the fourth ex-Mrs. Trump, Elon Musk is just, wow. To think a man’s marital troubles would get in the way of government is foreign to me. Back in my day we would just sweep that under the desk. (ED McMAHON “Hey-OOOOO”) But enough politics, let’s discuss something far more tangible and practical: astrology. In my hand, I hold a hermetically sealed envelope, kept in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnalls' porch since noon today. Through my mystic and borderline divine way, I shall hold the envelope to my forehead and ascertain the answers within, without ever having heard the questions. Here we go, hummmmmmmmm: Leo, Virgo, Libra – the Pope’s new motto, meaning, “I am a free virgin.” (ED McMAHON “Hey-OOOOO”) Whoever wrote that, may you go to the bathroom with no hole. Back to you, Jon.
JON PEJO: Welp, theeeeeeere was Johnny! Which means that’s all for this week’s Monday Minute – see you next week for next week’s news now next week.
[OUTRO MUSIC]
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